Soon it will be the day
The one when I no longer stay
I'll leave I'll walk away
Years of dark looks cruel eyes
Days filled with my pleading & cries
Please stop I will do better sorry sorry
Today is not the day
You're so sad begging me to stay
You'll change do anger management
Stop buying vodka & pay the rent
No more punches your anger's spent
So very very very sad & sorry
Egg shells scattered once more upon the floor
Tiptoe around gently close each door
Second guess each wish & whim
Avoid eye contact just agree give in
Breathe & feel the tension real & raw
Keep you happy or be sorry
Tomorrow next week month year may be the day
The word or blow will come which will make me walk away
But will it all end once I am out the door
Will you find me make me suffer some more
Am I to become the hunted quarry
Forced to be forever sorry
Have patience with me I hear what you say
I deserve better to be happy one day
Try to hide your frustration
I fear your turned back the inevitable shun
I know you want me to leave there
Don't give up on me my freedoms so near
For all the family, friends and workers who tirelessly support someone who is trapped in an abusive relationship. It can be painful and frustrating to maintain the support but being there in the background is so important as when the day comes they will need your acceptance to move on.
Friday, 28 December 2012
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Is this all I deserve?
They tell me
you are wild trouble
But my huge
love will tame you
I will
search in your heart
Set free
your goodness and a love for me
Others
misunderstand you
Are too
quick to condemn
I will be
true
I’ll work to
make you lover and friend
When touch
becomes shove
My excuses
flow freely
I can defend
you to all
I tripped no
push led to my fall
You watch me
out of worry
When I’m
late you just fret
No need for
friends now
That’s what
I’m too stupid to get
I am lucky
you want me
No one else
would
You would
not have to hit me
If I could
learn to be good
Tomorrow
will be different
I will get
more things right
You will smile
and hold me
But not so
hard and so tight
You chose me
so this has to work out
But at times
I am so full of doubt
Is this all
I deserve?
Or is it
time to get out?
Leaving
is never easy but it is possible to do and with the right support you can go on
to survive and thrive. It can take a while
but every day and every step can be a move away from what you did not deserve
to what you truly do.
From
one survivor and thriver to a soon to be one, or an already on the way
one/there one, with love.
Jane
Evans
Trauma Parenting & Behaviour Skills Specialist
Mobile: 07946318404 Landline: 01249 721104
Twitter: @janeparenting Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk
Trauma Parenting & Behaviour Skills Specialist
Mobile: 07946318404 Landline: 01249 721104
Twitter: @janeparenting Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk
Friday, 14 December 2012
Christmas carols & the odd crisis thrown in!
Christmas is coming that’s all I hear
Expectation is building
That’s so hard to bear
‘Cos I might not like Christmas when it gets here
Routines are ruptured raggedy
Lines to learn and to read
All pressures I don’t really need
My melt down is brewing
Will Father Christmas come into our house?
Am I good enough for a present or two?
What if I wake up to nothing?
Being good is so hard to do
Time to put up the tree
Cards to colour create
Carols to learn and sing
Chaos I can feel myself crashing
I need to look happy
What if I fail
I need to seem thankful
It’s all too much am ready to wail
Home at last to be wrapped in sameness
You know what I need
Small glimpses of Christmas on a drip feed
No expectations just balm-like acceptance
A Very Happy Christmas to all those caring
for and raising precious children who find change alarming and uncomfortable
but still want a bit of Christmas in their lives. This is a real juggling act so on behalf of
us all a huge THANK YOU.
Jane
Evans
Trauma Parenting & Behaviour Skills Specialist
Mobile: 07946318404 Landline: 01249 721104
Twitter: @janeparenting Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk Blog: http://janeevansparenting.blogspot.com
Trauma Parenting & Behaviour Skills Specialist
Mobile: 07946318404 Landline: 01249 721104
Twitter: @janeparenting Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk Blog: http://janeevansparenting.blogspot.com
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Raising children who have experienced trauma and abuse
Raising children who have experienced trauma and abuse is like opening Pandora's box to find a jewel encrusted onion in it. It's the most beautiful thing you have ever seen but with layers and layers of complex needs and emotions which will reveal themselves over the years when you least expect it.
So why is this, I am not a neuroscientist or a psychologist or any kind of 'ist' so can only share what I have seen and read. A baby may be removed and placed with a loving family within days of its birth or even on the day so surely they will then go on to respond to the love and care they receive with few issues in life? It is logical to assume this but I have met children and heard and read about them for whom this is not entirely the case.
As babies they have been quite hard to care for, crying a great deal, being hard to settle and soothe and sensitive to changes in routine, atmosphere and carers. Often they have complex eating habits, either being fussy and picky or always hungry and rarely satisfied for long. As children and young people it has been a roller coaster with carers left to try and work out what is going on and why, unless they access the right professional and/or book!
This is what I know, a baby's brain starts to form at around 7 weeks so anything which the mother is experiencing the baby's brain will be too. It is fair to say the children who are removed early from birth mothers will be because they are at extreme risk of harm so during pregnancy the woman is unlikely to be able to rest up and with low levels of stress. In fact, the opposite is most likely to be the case where the pregnant woman is being repeatedly exposed to stress and trauma which releases chemicals into her system which then pass to the foetus's developing brain.
"If the mother's state of mind is highly anxious then stress hormones cross the placenta and affect the unborn baby. Genetic inheritances combined with prenatal influences might lead some babies to be very fragile and hard to soothe at birth" (Music, G, 2011)
Kate Cairns (2002) tells us, "Stress is toxic to the brain, causing profound changes in brain structure and function..."
The main hormone which has been indentified as causing the most ongoing issues is cortisol. There is plenty of research to tell us that the foetus responds to sound so imagine an environment where they are repeatedly exposed to shouting, loudness and frequent chaos. There is also research which shows how the foetus is affected by maternal depression being generally in a more highly aroused, anxious state and being more responsive to external stimuli. (Music, 2011)
So back to cortisol, there is now evidence that if the pregnant mother's state of mind is known then it is possible to predict the child's behaviours "a year or more after birth" (Music, 2011). This may seem astounding but I am including it to illustrate why you may be struggling so much as this is what you are contending with rather than that you are getting it wrong! Cortisol is one of the stress/threat hormones which gets us ready for action if we feel we are in danger. Along with adrenalin and others it gets our body ready to run or fight or be very still. Our heart rate increases, our thinking brain switches off, breathing becomes shallow we feel anxious and wired and so it is hard to concentrate and leads to over, or sometimes, under-reaction.
Cortisol is good in small doses as it may keep us alive if a truck is heading for us or a very angry person it may encourage us to run or fight for our lives. If a foetus or young child is repeatedly exposed to it then it will become increasingly likely that it will take a long time for the levels to drop back down to a state of relaxation and comfort and so a repetitive cycle begins to form leading to childhood anxiety and over, or under reaction. For some, being flooded by cortisol gets to levels where the brain switches everything off as a defence mechanism so a person may become very still and not react at all, in a child this can antagonise others as they don't respond to requests or interact but it is a survival tactic triggered by the brain.
There is so much more I could say on this subject but I don't want to overload you and Kate Cairns and Graham Music's books are good ones to dip in and out of, or you can always contact me and if I don't know the answer I will find it out for you.
In summary, a foetus exposed to stress and trauma can be deeply affected as this is when the brain is forming and in particular the cortisol hormone which freely crosses the placenta has a great impact on how they will function in terms of anxiety and hyper sensitivity. They may have a more reactive brain as the more basic survival functions will have been triggered more in the womb so as as child they will often have huge reactions to simple things and this will bring the cortisol flooding in and then they will stay in that state for much longer than is healthy or helpful to them and others.
What those caring for children affected in this way need is plenty of the right kind of support. Not everyone may be able or willing to understand that this is what you are all coping with but they can offer practical support or just listen to you off load without interrupting or offering advice, hugs are good too.
As a carer you need huge patience, the ability to accept that this is the way you child is wired so that you need to teach them how to manage what their brain and body does to them. So, any self calming exercises will be a great gift to them, not making them feel bad about what they have done but pointing out that we try not to hurt others by using our teeth to bite as teeth are for biting apples. Talking about how they felt when it happened and how the injured party might be feeling, plenty of hugs and reassurance are vital.
All of this needs to happen when your cortisol levels have come down and your child's or it will go wrong! You are under repeated stress too so it may take a while and that is fine, the best way to bring cortisol down is by hard exercise so a danceathon, star jumps, running hard round the garden, stomping, pummelling cushions are all great for this. Then you can chat through the feelings in a kindly way as they are more likely to be in the thinking part of their brain.
Many of us struggle with reactive brains and high cortisol levels which can be a curse but learning to manage them is possible and that is great to know, I am living proof of that!!
Remember, taking care of yourself is top of the pile as you are on an amazing journey and are steering the ship so if you go down so will the ship and everyone on it!
Cairns, K 2002, Attachment, trauma and resilience, British Association for Adoption & Fostering, London
Music, G 2011 Nurturing Natures, Psychology Press, Hove & New York
Jane EvansTrauma Parenting & Behaviour Skills Specialist
Mobile: 07946318404 Landline: 01249 721104
Twitter: @janeparenting Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk
So why is this, I am not a neuroscientist or a psychologist or any kind of 'ist' so can only share what I have seen and read. A baby may be removed and placed with a loving family within days of its birth or even on the day so surely they will then go on to respond to the love and care they receive with few issues in life? It is logical to assume this but I have met children and heard and read about them for whom this is not entirely the case.
As babies they have been quite hard to care for, crying a great deal, being hard to settle and soothe and sensitive to changes in routine, atmosphere and carers. Often they have complex eating habits, either being fussy and picky or always hungry and rarely satisfied for long. As children and young people it has been a roller coaster with carers left to try and work out what is going on and why, unless they access the right professional and/or book!
This is what I know, a baby's brain starts to form at around 7 weeks so anything which the mother is experiencing the baby's brain will be too. It is fair to say the children who are removed early from birth mothers will be because they are at extreme risk of harm so during pregnancy the woman is unlikely to be able to rest up and with low levels of stress. In fact, the opposite is most likely to be the case where the pregnant woman is being repeatedly exposed to stress and trauma which releases chemicals into her system which then pass to the foetus's developing brain.
"If the mother's state of mind is highly anxious then stress hormones cross the placenta and affect the unborn baby. Genetic inheritances combined with prenatal influences might lead some babies to be very fragile and hard to soothe at birth" (Music, G, 2011)
Kate Cairns (2002) tells us, "Stress is toxic to the brain, causing profound changes in brain structure and function..."
The main hormone which has been indentified as causing the most ongoing issues is cortisol. There is plenty of research to tell us that the foetus responds to sound so imagine an environment where they are repeatedly exposed to shouting, loudness and frequent chaos. There is also research which shows how the foetus is affected by maternal depression being generally in a more highly aroused, anxious state and being more responsive to external stimuli. (Music, 2011)
So back to cortisol, there is now evidence that if the pregnant mother's state of mind is known then it is possible to predict the child's behaviours "a year or more after birth" (Music, 2011). This may seem astounding but I am including it to illustrate why you may be struggling so much as this is what you are contending with rather than that you are getting it wrong! Cortisol is one of the stress/threat hormones which gets us ready for action if we feel we are in danger. Along with adrenalin and others it gets our body ready to run or fight or be very still. Our heart rate increases, our thinking brain switches off, breathing becomes shallow we feel anxious and wired and so it is hard to concentrate and leads to over, or sometimes, under-reaction.
Cortisol is good in small doses as it may keep us alive if a truck is heading for us or a very angry person it may encourage us to run or fight for our lives. If a foetus or young child is repeatedly exposed to it then it will become increasingly likely that it will take a long time for the levels to drop back down to a state of relaxation and comfort and so a repetitive cycle begins to form leading to childhood anxiety and over, or under reaction. For some, being flooded by cortisol gets to levels where the brain switches everything off as a defence mechanism so a person may become very still and not react at all, in a child this can antagonise others as they don't respond to requests or interact but it is a survival tactic triggered by the brain.
There is so much more I could say on this subject but I don't want to overload you and Kate Cairns and Graham Music's books are good ones to dip in and out of, or you can always contact me and if I don't know the answer I will find it out for you.
In summary, a foetus exposed to stress and trauma can be deeply affected as this is when the brain is forming and in particular the cortisol hormone which freely crosses the placenta has a great impact on how they will function in terms of anxiety and hyper sensitivity. They may have a more reactive brain as the more basic survival functions will have been triggered more in the womb so as as child they will often have huge reactions to simple things and this will bring the cortisol flooding in and then they will stay in that state for much longer than is healthy or helpful to them and others.
What those caring for children affected in this way need is plenty of the right kind of support. Not everyone may be able or willing to understand that this is what you are all coping with but they can offer practical support or just listen to you off load without interrupting or offering advice, hugs are good too.
As a carer you need huge patience, the ability to accept that this is the way you child is wired so that you need to teach them how to manage what their brain and body does to them. So, any self calming exercises will be a great gift to them, not making them feel bad about what they have done but pointing out that we try not to hurt others by using our teeth to bite as teeth are for biting apples. Talking about how they felt when it happened and how the injured party might be feeling, plenty of hugs and reassurance are vital.
All of this needs to happen when your cortisol levels have come down and your child's or it will go wrong! You are under repeated stress too so it may take a while and that is fine, the best way to bring cortisol down is by hard exercise so a danceathon, star jumps, running hard round the garden, stomping, pummelling cushions are all great for this. Then you can chat through the feelings in a kindly way as they are more likely to be in the thinking part of their brain.
Many of us struggle with reactive brains and high cortisol levels which can be a curse but learning to manage them is possible and that is great to know, I am living proof of that!!
Remember, taking care of yourself is top of the pile as you are on an amazing journey and are steering the ship so if you go down so will the ship and everyone on it!
Cairns, K 2002, Attachment, trauma and resilience, British Association for Adoption & Fostering, London
Music, G 2011 Nurturing Natures, Psychology Press, Hove & New York
Jane EvansTrauma Parenting & Behaviour Skills Specialist
Mobile: 07946318404 Landline: 01249 721104
Twitter: @janeparenting Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Be addicted to me
Mind and memory absent
Giving only an outer shell
Emptiness on offer
And glimpses into hell
Your mind mostly numbed
Senses addled addicted
Next fix the only thing predicted
Cheerless child a boring burden
Your eyes had only one prize
Sought savoured devoured
My childhood sacrificed at the altar of oblivion
Sit watch wait my only options
Every day a sickening cycle
Come to lay low keep quiet
Don't provoke the fixless one
Fix found life limps on
Fast frantic fearful I know
Close comforting concerned I don't
See me hear me hold me
I am your child be addicted to me
Giving only an outer shell
Emptiness on offer
And glimpses into hell
Your mind mostly numbed
Senses addled addicted
Next fix the only thing predicted
Cheerless child a boring burden
Your eyes had only one prize
Sought savoured devoured
My childhood sacrificed at the altar of oblivion
Sit watch wait my only options
Every day a sickening cycle
Come to lay low keep quiet
Don't provoke the fixless one
Fix found life limps on
Fast frantic fearful I know
Close comforting concerned I don't
See me hear me hold me
I am your child be addicted to me
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