Behind These Eyes

Behind these eyes there is so much going on

Behind these eyes lies the truth

Oh I have learnt to look blank

I have learnt to look at you & through you

I know not to blink look away or show emotion

 

Behind these eyes you would fall into a chasm

Swirling  boiling  black and bubbling

Full of anger hatred fear frustration desire

I want to hit kick slap shove bite bash you

I want to spit in your face pull out your hair

I want to push you hard down each of the stairs

 

You hurt the one I love most

You made me not love you

You stole my childhood

You gave me nightmares

You made me see danger and fear everywhere

 

I could not show you how I felt

I could not tell you to stop

I could not save her

I could only stare keep still show nothing

I could only wish you were gone for good

 

 It did not stop me planning my revenge

I t did not stop me wanting to really hurt you

I t did not stop me raging inside at you at what you did

It did not stop me wanting you to love me

When I see you now that is what lies behind these eyes

 

This is a Poem from a child to the perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse.  So often we underestimate what is going on for children who lives through this repeated trauma as they show us very little but we should never underestimate the strong feelings they learn to suppress.

The work I do is about supporting an approach to parenting and children which enables strong feelings and pain to be explored and expressed other than through challenging behaviour and by hurting others. 

Very often living with violence and abuse means that children grow up with little or no understanding of feelings and this makes life incredibly difficult for them and those who care for them post the abuse.  The right kind of support can help build in emotional intelligence which will offer a child much better outcomes and will help create a better parent-child relationship with the non-abusive parent/carer.

For more information:

www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

I am already hurting

I am already hurting

 So you can not hurt me more

I already hate myself

So you cannot hate me more

I don’t value myself

So you cannot value me less

 

Shout at me

I’ll get that

Shove me

I’ll get that

Hit me

 I’ll get that

Hold me

I don’t get that

 

If I scowl and shrug

That’s what I’ve seen

If I shout and cuss

That’s what I’ve heard

If I punch and kick

That’s what I’ve felt

 

How can I hope for anything else?

How can I ask for something else?

How can I expect anything else?

How will I get anything else?

Unless I can dare to let you in

I am nothing

My head is down my hood is up my heart is racing
I am nothing don't look at me
My head is down my hood is up my heart is sinking
I am nothing don't look at me

Hiding in my hood feels safe, no where else does
If you look at me I may disappoint you
If you look at me you might see my fear
If I look at you I might see your disapproval

If I can blend in it will be OK
If I can get past you with out a look it will be OK
If you see nothing when you look my way
I can get through the day

I have come from a place where I've been nothing
I come from a place now where I'm less than nothing
All my life has been about nothingness
Few loving words, looks have ever come my way

I need a gentle smile to grow out of being nothing
I need a kind word to believe I am something
I need you to see me, not just my hood
I need to you to reach out so nothing can move towards something.




By Jane EvansSpecialist Parenting and Behaviour Skills Consultant

Twitter: @janeparenting
Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk
Blog: http://janeevansparenting.blogspot.com

Journey to the planet called Shame

When you shout at me I’m already gone

So you’re shouting at no one, at an empty shell

I’ve jumped in my space rocket & I’m shooting into Space

Can’t see you can’t hear you can only get away fast

Your anger, frustration, disappointment a meteor shower spraying, pitting, burning my rocket

 

I land on a planet, the planet is called Shame

 I know this planet well I come here often

I leave my Space hardened rocket to walk on the planet of shame

I lay in the crater of unacceptability

I swim in the pool of toxic shame

I kick and stumble over rocks of badness & unlike-ability

 

It’s cold here on the planet called Shame                                      

It’s lonely here on the planet called Shame                    

It’s scary here on the planet called Shame

I’m tired here on the planet called Shame

It’s a long way back from the planet called Shame

 

My rocket is damaged so I wait to be rescued

A journey full of  meteor showers will do that to a rocket

I want to come back but my signals can' be read from this faraway place 

I wait, I wait, I wait to be rescued from the planet called Shame

I can fly rockets but I can’t fix them I need your help

 

Once I get here it takes too long to get back

The journey coming is fast and furious

The journey back is long, dark, difficult, uncomfortable

Shouting, criticism, disappointment, being sent away fuels my rocket

Kindness, acceptability, patience, being held fixes my rocket

I’ve had enough of visiting a planet called Shame

 

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I am sorry......

I am sorry I did not know abuse when it was in our home
I am sorry I did not understand how words & looks can wound so deeply
I am sorry I did not know that atmospheres can seep into a forming child
I am sorry I did not know what I know now

I am sorry your first few years were soaked in stress
I am sorry no-one shone a light on the abuse we lived with
I am sorry I did not know that wasn't a normal way to live
I am sorry things were so unpredictable for you

I am sorry you did not have two parents focused only on you
I am sorry abuse was the fourth member of our family
I am sorry I was so in it I did not look for help
I am sorry I did not know it was not OK for you

I am glad we got out
I am glad we were rescued
I am glad for a brother & sister in law who took us in
I am glad for an end to the oppression

I am glad for the new start we had
I am glad for the life we then had
I am glad we faced all the new challenges
I am glad to find kindness and love

I am glad to know that what we lived with has as name
I am glad to use what I know for others now
I am glad to see you so kind and calm
I am glad I finally understood it was not my fault

 

I am the child......

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who cried and noone came, who smiled and received a frown, who did not learn to laugh
I am the child who felt so many things sadness, excitement, anxiety, fear, curiosity, confusion
I am the child who without help to fathom my feelings so they sat in me then as they sit in me now

I am the adult who wants to be held, caressed, embraced but can not ask for it
I am the adult who shows too many, too few emotions to loved ones, to strangers, to you
I am the adult with no words to set free feelings so I unleash them with cold cuts into my skin
I am the adult who drinks and dopes my brain to suffocate and sedate a fountain of feelings

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who learnt to connect with you when you accepted all of me
I am the child who found words for my feelings when you did too
I am the child who knows, feels, and bathes in love from you
I am the child who will be the parent with love to give, feelings to share, acceptance to offer.

Dedicated to all the incredible families I have had the privilege to work alongside of, who have shown so much courage when working hard to recover, rebuild and move on together from the trauma and abuse they lived through.

What we say and the way we say it....

Having worked with and cared for children who have lived through a range of trauma for many years, one thing I am clear about is how sensitive they are to the words they hear and the tone of voice used.  Living in a home where there is chaos, unpredictability, or a regime which has to be followed by everyone all the time or there are dire and dangerous consequences, will make a child develop the necessary reactions and skills to keep them alive so they can survive.  This is not a conscious process but is one the brain is designed to prioritise from before birth to keep us alive and unharmed otherwise the brain will be of little use beyond that! 

Children who have lived with trauma have brains which need to develop the ability to heighten their senses to hear, see, feel and/or smell threat or danger and this is not something the brain will easily allow them to 'switch off'.  The whiff of alcohol on an adults breath, the sign of agitated fiddling with a belt buckle, hearing "I can't find my keys, where are my damn keys, what have you done with my keys......." increasing in intensity, or even just the word "keys" can be enough to trigger a child's brain to think 'get out of here' or 'cause a distraction as its all going to kick off soon'.  The way an adult tousles their hair or touches their arm can mean don't step out of line or I'll get you, or you know what's coming tonight when you're lying in your bed.

We use words everyday, all day with children so it puts a great deal of pressure on us to get them right!  The best rule for me is, WOULD I TALK TO AN ADULT THAT WAY?????  I always give these examples:

• on leaving the house you friend forgets her bag - "would you like me to grab your bag for you?/your bags still here, would you like it?"
• on leaving the house your child forgets their bag - "get your bag, your always forgetting it, how are you going to cope in life if you never remember anything/how many times do I have to say, "get your bag", I've got enough to think about/you don't see me forgetting things all the time, get organised"

If you put me in front of a car engine to change the spark plugs and my instructions every time I try are:

• no
• don't
• leave that
•  stop it
• don't keep doing that
• how many times do I have to tell you, "no"
• leave it alone
• look what you've done
• you need to learn
• don't touch that

I will hear your disapproval, irritation and clear instructions to stop what I'm doing and I will hear that what I am doing is wrong so I am learning that I can't do this so I must be a useless. 

For a child who has grown up around this it will trigger a spiralling sense of failure and worthlessness with the relating behaviours - 'you think I'm rubbish/stupid/incapable/thick', well I'll show you!  Cue a huge emotional overload for the child which will have to come out in their behaviour as they will not have an emotional system to put how they feel into words.

It is easy when we are caring for children to only give them part of the picture so they know what we don't want them to do but not what we do want them to do!!  How then will they learn as they do not come out with a full set of social skills or the ability to understand how to operate in the World generally!

A note of negativity in our voice is hard to avoid but a skill we can all learn, first calm yourself down, so long as everyone is safe then the behaviour can be dealt with in a bit when you have thought through that  there may have been many reasons whey they filled the washing machine with jam, painted the dog, bit their class mate, smeared pooh everywhere, tipped their dinner on the floor.  Then when you are talking about this together, you can be more genuinely curious which will work best of all and will feel more able to explore the feelings behind it all and a plan for next time.

Going back to my previous blogs, children do not learn best when feeling shame or fear, they are in the wrong part of their brain and this is so easily triggered in a traumatised child by what they hear in our voices and find in the words we say to them and can cause a dramatic response.  Luckily, practising saying things differently in our heads and to children can greatly improve things over time, but it needs to be as consistent as possible so get everyone on board at home, pre-school, school and in the wider family, why would you not??

Even a simple, "you need to pop your coat on the peg when you come in" rather than, "don't drop your coat on the floor" can start the process well as you have told them what you would like them to do (works well with adults too) but ensure the tone of voice is casual without irritation - practise on the dog or cat when no one is around!!

For more information on what I do!