I am broken

I am broken
I look to others to fix me
Searching in the wrong places wrong people
Battling between having brokenness confirmed
Having brokenness confounded comforted

I am broken
Cracked snapped fractured by life
Too many horrors too much rejection
Not balanced or offset with kindness affection
Brokenness is my badge worn on the inside

I am broken
A look a word a sight a sound sets free
Dark demons my daily companions
They cut me consume me crush and caress me
Dance with my brokenness to a familiar tune

I am broken
You are kind to me you are cruel too
I know what you are I am no fool
You fit with my brokenness
A match made in hell I know you so well

I am broken
Where how when will it end
I am keeper of neither family or friend
Too broken to bond to belong
Berated beaten bowed betrayed

I am broken
Half seeking respite and repair
Half safe with the dereliction of despair
No lost cause I know what I want
Escape from your poison and pain

I am broken
Not to the point of extinction annihilation
Broken can become whole can mend
Kindness of workers strangers a friend
Strengthens replenishes restores.


 By Jane Evans

I have worked with many amazing women to whom this poem is dedicated, so 'broken' by growing up with abuse and violence that every day was a battle to manage their self harming, eating disorders and violent relationships.  I was repeatedly floored and humbled by their courage and determination to find a way out to have the life they deserved for themselves and their children and to be able to heal.
   
Image - http://katzentatze.deviantart.com/art/Broken-wings-151315500     ©2010-2012 ~Katzentatze   

I am here because I dare to care

Here I sit beside you your pain your shame

I flounder blunder wonder

I am without notion or magic potion

I am here because I dare to care

Here I stand to offer my time my attention 

Eyes which will not stare or glare

Hands waiting to hold to help

I am here because I dare to care

Rejection is your rifle of protection

Fired often full in my face

I pull back regroup return

I am here because I dare to care

 

Together we chase threads of despair

Calm contentment comes but is rare

Your need to be as nothing is strong

I am here because I dare to care

 

I witness you timidly emerge then retreat

For you the risk in connecting is real

There’s much for others to abuse to steal

I am here because I dare to care

 

There are times of despair

When I stumble tumble crumble

Friends are there to revive to repair

I am here because I dare to care

 

It takes such courage to care for our children who have known only dark and difficult times in their short lives so I dedicate this to our kinship carers, foster carers, care workers and adoptive parents,

Thank you.

 

Jane EvansTrauma Parenting and Behaviour Skills Consultant
Twitter: @janeparenting          Email: janeevans61@hotmail.co.uk www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

This is my childhood there will be no other

This is my childhood there will be no other
When I'm grown how will it serve me
Will I be glad or sad when its gone

This is my childhood there will be no other
Will it be mostly grey then gone
Or will it be brightness and linger on

This is my childhood there will be no other
What will it show me how will it shape me
Will I deny it be ashamed to share it

This is my childhood there will be no other
Will it set me up for life or just trip me up
Firm foundation or false bottomed floor to fall through

This is my childhood there will be no other
When I become lover father mother
Will it cause me to flounder or succeed

This is my childhood there will be no other
Precious and fragile beyond compare
To be carried in my head and heart for evermore

Jane EvansSpecialist Parenting and Behaviour Skills Consultant
Twitter: @janeparenting  Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

 

I am not what you see.....

I am not what you see

I am fake

It’s my protection

My shield against rejection

It’s how I look for affection

I am not what you see

I live a lie

It’s to keep you away

It’s about surviving today

It’s to keep strong feelings at bay

If I told you what I’ve seen

If I told you what I’ve been

If I told you what I’ve heard

If I told about the touches I’ve felt

If I told about the ugly odours I’ve smelt

You would be shocked if you really knew me

You could judge me

You would think me weak

You could avoid me

You would think me too dramatic

I have weighed up all up

I have done pros and cons

I have been back & forth

It’s too big a risk to be real

Much better to smile hide and not feel

 

Life often encourages us to hide our pain and suffering, especially if the risk is that we will be judged on it and not on the amazing person we are, despite what we have endured.

We all need to be ready to notice others pain and have the courage to acknowledge it and accept it is a part of the person we know.

 

 Jane EvansSpecialist Parenting and Behaviour Skills Consultant
Twitter: @janeparenting
Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

 

 

 

The Chrysalis

Because of you I am a breath-taking butterfly

Even though I arrived a closed up chrysalis

Encased in my cocoon shut off shut up

You saw beyond the shell to what lay within

Finding, nurturing the butterfly I hid so well

 

Breaking out from my cocoon was hard won

Turning tussling trapped, then free

Wings were unexpected overwhelming weak

Your acceptance encouraged their first flutter

Your devotion saw flutter become flight

 

I am a bold beautiful butterfly

Fragile wings yet fearsome heart

My cocoon was both a comfort and a curse

It has kept me safe and got me this far

It’s your belief which set me free to fly and fly and fly

 

Those who have had a difficult and painful start in life often just need that one person who accepts them and believes in them and over time that can change so much. 

For children this is crucial as finding someone who sees beyond difficult behaviour to their true beauty and potential will make all the difference in the end.  All of us could be that one special adult so be open to this and always interpret what children say and do through a lens of trying to understand and be supportive.

 

Jane EvansSpecialist Parenting and Behaviour Skills Consultant
Twitter: @janeparenting
Website: www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

 

 

Looks can be deceptive

 

Looks can be deceptive protective

Looks can be both friend and foe

Make up the mask of protection

Laughter the sound of a lie

 

Perfect nails and hair get glances not stares

Slim trim hides the starving & straining

Too fat too ugly too real too raw

Hide it conceal it smile ignore

 

Looking good is the lie

It cons & confuses

It deceives & defuses

It comes at a price

 

I plan for you never to know what it costs me

I plan to keep you arm’s length from the truth

I plan to present as personable perfect

I plan to survive because of my lie

 

For all who struggle on a daily basis with eating disorders, anxiety, depression and fear that the real them will not be good enough.  Keep on going and make peace with yourself, find your passion and follow it the rest will fall into place because that is what you deserve.

 

Jane Evans

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Know

I know you want to care for me

I know you have a warm house

I know I have a clean bed here

I know you always have food in the cupboards

I know you speak up for me

I know you offer me kindness

I know you want to love me

 

I feel I am unlovable as no one has loved me before

I feel I can never get warm the coldness is in my heart

I feel I will wet the bed over and over till the bedding runs out

I feel any second that someone might forget to feed me

I feel alone misunderstood invisible unlikeable

I feel frightened by kindness it is not what I know

 

I fear if you knew the real me you would be shocked

I fear if you knew the real me you could not love me

I fear if you knew the real me I would be too exposed

I fear if you knew the real me it would be scary for you

I fear letting you in you may bring me only pain

I fear that my fear may overwhelm us both

 

www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

 janeevans61@hotmail.co.uk

 

Before we met

 

Before we met you saw too many bad things

Before we met you had felt gnawing hunger

Before we met you were too often afraid and alone

Before we met you had been rebuffed rejected

Before we met you could only survive

 

From this you learnt to be wary

From this you learnt to hoard food

From this you learnt to exist not to live

From this you learnt grown-ups are useless

From this you learnt to trust only yourself

 

Now I offer you kindness

Now I offer you respect

Now I offer you safety

Now I offer you attention acceptance

Now I offer you time to earn you trust

 

I hope it’s enough for you

I hope you can learn you deserve only this

I hope you can know trust one day

I hope you can let me in one day

I hope I have strength enough for us both

 By Jane Evans Specialist Parenting Consultant & Trainer