Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Behind These Eyes

Behind these eyes there is so much going on

Behind these eyes lies the truth

Oh I have learnt to look blank

I have learnt to look at you & through you

I know not to blink look away or show emotion


Behind these eyes you would fall into a chasm

Swirling  boiling  black and bubbling

Full of anger hatred fear frustration desire

I want to hit kick slap shove bite bash you

I want to spit in your face pull out your hair

I want to push you hard down each of the stairs


You hurt the one I love most

You made me not love you

You stole my childhood

You gave me nightmares

You made me see danger and fear everywhere


I could not show you how I felt

I could not tell you to stop

I could not save her

I could only stare keep still show nothing

I could only wish you were gone for good


 It did not stop me planning my revenge

I t did not stop me wanting to really hurt you

I t did not stop me raging inside at you at what you did

It did not stop me wanting you to love me

When I see you now that is what lies behind these eyes
This is a Poem from a child to the perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse.  So often we underestimate what is going on for children who lives through this repeated trauma as they show us very little but we should never underestimate the strong feelings they learn to suppress.
The work I do is about supporting an approach to parenting and children which enables strong feelings and pain to be explored and expressed other than through challenging behaviour and by hurting others. 
Very often living with violence and abuse means that children grow up with little or no understanding of feelings and this makes life incredibly difficult for them and those who care for them post the abuse.  The right kind of support can help build in emotional intelligence which will offer a child much better outcomes and will help create a better parent-child relationship with the non-abusive parent/carer.
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Monday, 29 October 2012

I am already hurting

I am already hurting

 So you can not hurt me more

I already hate myself

So you cannot hate me more

I don’t value myself

So you cannot value me less


Shout at me

I’ll get that

Shove me

I’ll get that

Hit me

 I’ll get that

Hold me

I don’t get that


If I scowl and shrug

That’s what I’ve seen

If I shout and cuss

That’s what I’ve heard

If I punch and kick

That’s what I’ve felt


How can I hope for anything else?

How can I ask for something else?

How can I expect anything else?

How will I get anything else?

Unless I can dare to let you in

I am nothing

My head is down my hood is up my heart is racing
I am nothing don't look at me
My head is down my hood is up my heart is sinking
I am nothing don't look at me

Hiding in my hood feels safe, no where else does
If you look at me I may disappoint you
If you look at me you might see my fear
If I look at you I might see your disapproval

If I can blend in it will be OK
If I can get past you with out a look it will be OK
If you see nothing when you look my way
I can get through the day

I have come from a place where I've been nothing
I come from a place now where I'm less than nothing
All my life has been about nothingness
Few loving words, looks have ever come my way

I need a gentle smile to grow out of being nothing
I need a kind word to believe I am something
I need you to see me, not just my hood
I need to you to reach out so nothing can move towards something.

Sad teenage boy with hood sitting on stairs Stock Photo - 12040740

By Jane EvansSpecialist Parenting and Behaviour Skills Consultant

Twitter: @janeparenting

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Journey to the planet called Shame

When you shout at me I’m already gone

So you’re shouting at no one, at an empty shell

I’ve jumped in my space rocket & I’m shooting into Space

Can’t see you can’t hear you can only get away fast

Your anger, frustration, disappointment a meteor shower spraying, pitting, burning my rocket

I land on a planet, the planet is called Shame

 I know this planet well I come here often

I leave my Space hardened rocket to walk on the planet of shame

I lay in the crater of unacceptability

I swim in the pool of toxic shame

I kick and stumble over rocks of badness & unlike-ability

It’s cold here on the planet called Shame                                      

It’s lonely here on the planet called Shame                    

It’s scary here on the planet called Shame

I’m tired here on the planet called Shame

It’s a long way back from the planet called Shame

My rocket is damaged so I wait to be rescued

A journey full of  meteor showers will do that to a rocket

I want to come back but my signals can' be read from this faraway place 

I wait, I wait, I wait to be rescued from the planet called Shame

I can fly rockets but I can’t fix them I need your help

Once I get here it takes too long to get back

The journey coming is fast and furious

The journey back is long, dark, difficult, uncomfortable

Shouting, criticism, disappointment, being sent away fuels my rocket

Kindness, acceptability, patience, being held fixes my rocket

I’ve had enough of visiting a planet called Shame

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Saturday, 20 October 2012

I am sorry......

I am sorry I did not know abuse when it was in our home
I am sorry I did not understand how words & looks can wound so deeply
I am sorry I did not know that atmospheres can seep into a forming child
I am sorry I did not know what I know now

I am sorry your first few years were soaked in stress
I am sorry no-one shone a light on the abuse we lived with
I am sorry I did not know that wasn't a normal way to live
I am sorry things were so unpredictable for you

I am sorry you did not have two parents focused only on you
I am sorry abuse was the fourth member of our family
I am sorry I was so in it I did not look for help
I am sorry I did not know it was not OK for you

I am glad we got out
I am glad we were rescued
I am glad for a brother & sister in law who took us in
I am glad for an end to the oppression

I am glad for the new start we had
I am glad for the life we then had
I am glad we faced all the new challenges
I am glad to find kindness and love

I am glad to know that what we lived with has as name
I am glad to use what I know for others now
I am glad to see you so kind and calm
I am glad I finally understood it was not my fault