If I don't know that a child is screaming in my face because there fear system has been triggered by a loud bang outside, the smell of my after shave, the look on a face, the date on the calender, the way I approached them, the hand on their arm, the taste of the food I insisted they eat, then I will not know what to do.
Someone needs to teach me, train me, explain to me what's going on because in that moment I don't like that child they make me feel, angry, afraid, helpless, useless, inadequate and like I need to take control but I know I can't.
So, I scream back, sometimes the scream is in my head, sometimes it comes out of my mouth, I send them out of my sight, go stand in the corridor, get to your room, I cry, I rant, I sit helpless while they scream at me, I take things away to punish them, "no party for you now, you've lost your Xbox for the week, we're not going to Nanny's now, no playtime, no part in the school play, no Golden Time". It doesn't feel right but they did ask for it, I've told them it would happen.
Children should respect adults, understand that if they behave they will be rewarded, if they don't then there will be a consequence, they'll get punished, they have to learn or what will become of them?
I am only doing what I have been taught to do,it's not OK for a child to scream in your face, they need time out to calm themselves down and so do I. So much stress they cause, I wish they would just 'get it', I really want to like them but they cause me so much stress and upset everyone. How can I help them see how they affect others and push them away, are they just an 'angry' child, seen too much, heard too much now they are just reacting to that? Still, they need to learn that's no way to go through life or they'll end up in trouble.
Nothing I have learnt so far has prepared me to deal with this....................
This Blog is about how parents-birth and adoptive, foster carers, childcare workers, teaching staff and all those who support children who have lived through trauma may feel at some point. That is why I am putting everything I have into offering training to professionals and a bespoke parenting programme which is all about understanding how the brain is affected by trauma.
If we are able to learn about this then a child's behaviour makes more sense and the approach I offer will enable adults to work WITH the child where they currently are, and to set about repairing and rewiring the way they see the World and, eventually, the way their brain reacts and responds.
For more information, www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk current training with Collette Winters will be in Bristol in September, then we hope to put it on in London next.