I am the child......

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who cried and noone came, who smiled and received a frown, who did not learn to laugh
I am the child who felt so many things sadness, excitement, anxiety, fear, curiosity, confusion
I am the child who without help to fathom my feelings so they sat in me then as they sit in me now

I am the adult who wants to be held, caressed, embraced but can not ask for it
I am the adult who shows too many, too few emotions to loved ones, to strangers, to you
I am the adult with no words to set free feelings so I unleash them with cold cuts into my skin
I am the adult who drinks and dopes my brain to suffocate and sedate a fountain of feelings

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who learnt to connect with you when you accepted all of me
I am the child who found words for my feelings when you did too
I am the child who knows, feels, and bathes in love from you
I am the child who will be the parent with love to give, feelings to share, acceptance to offer.

Dedicated to all the incredible families I have had the privilege to work alongside of, who have shown so much courage when working hard to recover, rebuild and move on together from the trauma and abuse they lived through.

What we say and the way we say it....

Having worked with and cared for children who have lived through a range of trauma for many years, one thing I am clear about is how sensitive they are to the words they hear and the tone of voice used.  Living in a home where there is chaos, unpredictability, or a regime which has to be followed by everyone all the time or there are dire and dangerous consequences, will make a child develop the necessary reactions and skills to keep them alive so they can survive.  This is not a conscious process but is one the brain is designed to prioritise from before birth to keep us alive and unharmed otherwise the brain will be of little use beyond that! 

Children who have lived with trauma have brains which need to develop the ability to heighten their senses to hear, see, feel and/or smell threat or danger and this is not something the brain will easily allow them to 'switch off'.  The whiff of alcohol on an adults breath, the sign of agitated fiddling with a belt buckle, hearing "I can't find my keys, where are my damn keys, what have you done with my keys......." increasing in intensity, or even just the word "keys" can be enough to trigger a child's brain to think 'get out of here' or 'cause a distraction as its all going to kick off soon'.  The way an adult tousles their hair or touches their arm can mean don't step out of line or I'll get you, or you know what's coming tonight when you're lying in your bed.

We use words everyday, all day with children so it puts a great deal of pressure on us to get them right!  The best rule for me is, WOULD I TALK TO AN ADULT THAT WAY?????  I always give these examples:

• on leaving the house you friend forgets her bag - "would you like me to grab your bag for you?/your bags still here, would you like it?"
• on leaving the house your child forgets their bag - "get your bag, your always forgetting it, how are you going to cope in life if you never remember anything/how many times do I have to say, "get your bag", I've got enough to think about/you don't see me forgetting things all the time, get organised"

If you put me in front of a car engine to change the spark plugs and my instructions every time I try are:

• no
• don't
• leave that
•  stop it
• don't keep doing that
• how many times do I have to tell you, "no"
• leave it alone
• look what you've done
• you need to learn
• don't touch that

I will hear your disapproval, irritation and clear instructions to stop what I'm doing and I will hear that what I am doing is wrong so I am learning that I can't do this so I must be a useless. 

For a child who has grown up around this it will trigger a spiralling sense of failure and worthlessness with the relating behaviours - 'you think I'm rubbish/stupid/incapable/thick', well I'll show you!  Cue a huge emotional overload for the child which will have to come out in their behaviour as they will not have an emotional system to put how they feel into words.

It is easy when we are caring for children to only give them part of the picture so they know what we don't want them to do but not what we do want them to do!!  How then will they learn as they do not come out with a full set of social skills or the ability to understand how to operate in the World generally!

A note of negativity in our voice is hard to avoid but a skill we can all learn, first calm yourself down, so long as everyone is safe then the behaviour can be dealt with in a bit when you have thought through that  there may have been many reasons whey they filled the washing machine with jam, painted the dog, bit their class mate, smeared pooh everywhere, tipped their dinner on the floor.  Then when you are talking about this together, you can be more genuinely curious which will work best of all and will feel more able to explore the feelings behind it all and a plan for next time.

Going back to my previous blogs, children do not learn best when feeling shame or fear, they are in the wrong part of their brain and this is so easily triggered in a traumatised child by what they hear in our voices and find in the words we say to them and can cause a dramatic response.  Luckily, practising saying things differently in our heads and to children can greatly improve things over time, but it needs to be as consistent as possible so get everyone on board at home, pre-school, school and in the wider family, why would you not??

Even a simple, "you need to pop your coat on the peg when you come in" rather than, "don't drop your coat on the floor" can start the process well as you have told them what you would like them to do (works well with adults too) but ensure the tone of voice is casual without irritation - practise on the dog or cat when no one is around!!

For more information on what I do!

What and When Should We TellThem?

For many parents and carers it is not unusual to have to ponder how to speak to children about difficult and complex issues.  It can build up in our minds as a real  problem, what if we get it wrong, what if we upset, confuse, scare or shock them?  I have had to discuss some incredibly difficult things with my child in their 21 years on this planet and he has taught me a great deal, as have many of the children I have worked with.

There are a few key questions to ask ourselves before speaking with your child, and it is fine to say to your child when faced with a difficult subject, "well that's a really interesting question, I need to give that some serious thinking time, can we talk about it later?"  Then ask yourself:

1. what are they really curious about?
2. what do they need to know and what don't they
3. what will have the least impact on their right to have a childhood as free as possible from adult worries and issues
4. how can I put it into language and at their level of understanding
5. is this all about their needs or am I partly doing it to make things easier for myself and/or others?

One thing I have learnt from children is that we often under estimate their ability to cope and over estimate their reactions.  It is also worth remembering that they take a great deal of information about how to react from us.  If we appear to be OK about what we are telling them, not too upbeat, not too sad then the is a good chance they will take it on board and get on with their life.

What often happens is we put too much adult emphasis on the wrong things and adult thoughts and feelings too and are often wide of the mark.  "I'm sure she will be devastated when I say....., he's not going to react well when I say..........., I think she will be worried by....."  The most important things are:

1. chose your time carefully, so not when you are about to go somewhere, or when you/they are very tired/have had a bad day
2. try not to make it into a huge event, part of our brain embeds memories according to the emotion we felt at the time.  Turn it into a huge drama and it may be something which haunts them.
3. offer to do some research with them later on if they want to know more
4. keep it simple as children often don't want all of the facts right then, or ever
5. get support from some one you really trust beforehand and after but don't let it become something you tell everyone as your child may well find out and will be hurt and may not trust you again
6. use gentle humour when and only if it feels appropriate, " oh my goodness, aren't we serious today, I think I need a big hug, to run round the garden with my pants on my head, to tickle your teddy now" etc.
7. be aware that if you tell young children very adult things about sex, reproduction, intimate relationships they may repeat them and that will not always go down well and may get them unwanted attention.

I do not believe in lying to children as often they know what is going on does not feel right and may have seen and heard things.  For example, living with domestic abuse and violence often no one talks with the child about it, or minimises or denies what is going, on thinking they are protecting them, they are not.  When there is a serious illness, a potential relationship break up, a house move, a change of foster carer, children will often have an idea and will be fretting and writing their own script which most often involves them as the villain.  "It's all my fault Mum gets hurt as I didn't tidy my toys away properly, I think they are going to split up so where will I live or maybe they won't want me now, another foster carer why does no-one want me aren't I good enough?"

It rarely seems easy to discuss these things with our children but taking your time, not building it up, keeping it simple and most importantly LISTEN TO THEM.  It may be that you have misunderstood what they wanted to know and start to tell them about the 'birds and the bees' when this was the last thing on their minds so tread carefully, pause to listen frequently and check how they might be feeling.  "I wonder how you feel about it?" rather than "you must be feeling......now" or, if they don't seem to know how they feel gentle suggestions, "well I think I might feel a bit.........what do you think?"

Be prepared for it to be a bit of an anti-climax as children will often take a speck of information and ponder it and may come back to you on it or want to be gently asked about it later, next day etc.  Or, sometimes that's enough, you can always check and they will soon let you know.

Good luck, you are their best resource and the person who loves them most so you will be able to work it out together so long as you are fully tuned in to them.  There is a wealth of knowledge out in the big wide world on most subjects now and organisations for most things, so do your research or find a lovely story book if that helps too.

Back to school note.

Dear Educators,

I am writing to you so that you will hear my voice and not jump to conclusions about me.  I am coming to your school in September and these are the things you need to know about me.

1.  I'm a great kid!

2.  I come with a past.

3.  I did not control my past.

4.  I have been shaped by my past.

5.  I am struggling with the after effects of my past.

6.  I struggle to sit still, to concentrate, to not look out the window, to listen to you, not to fiddle.

7.  Sometimes I 'flip out'.

8.  I don't like loud noises or surprises.

9.  I don't trust strangers.

10.  I'm often very tired.

11.  Making and keeping friends is hard for me.

12.  I don't get sarcasm.

I could go on, it's a long list of what you need to know before you decided where to 'pigeon-hole' me.  Disruptive, lacking motivation, poor concentration, confrontational, a problem..........

Why am I like this, I hope this is a question you ask yourself but not through gritted teeth but in a truly wondering, want to understand way.

1.  I have seen and heard things a child never should.

2.  I have not been held, sung to and soothed, only in my Mum's head.

3.  I have only known chaos.

4.  I have never had a day where I felt totally relaxed and could switch off.

5.  I have always had to be alert to run up stairs, to get out of the house, to duck behind the sofa, to ring the Police.

6.  I have never known if Mum would be smiling, bleeding or crying in the morning when I get up.

7.  Staying alert, listening for sounds, watching faces, sniffing for alcohol laden breath has kept me alive.

8.  I have to look for the hidden meaning in everything which is said to me as getting it wrong is dangerous.

9.  I have never consistently built a relationship with anyone, Mum wasn't allowed too and Dad was either my best or worst friend.

10.  I can't sleep now.  I'm scared to go to bed to leave Mum and need to stay awake in case he comes back in the night.

11.  I am very reactive, mostly I hit out, sometimes I run, but not 'cos I want too.

12.  I'm a great kid, so understand me, support me, care about me, then maybe one day I will be able to learn in your school and make some friends.

Teenagers - just gotta love 'em

Oh my God, I wish she would just keep out of my things, out of my business, I know what I'm doing and she's just driving me crazy, I can manage!  No, I don't really mean that, what's wrong with me, I feel like I'm going crazy, maybe I am.  Some days I feel quite hopeful, I'm not the best centre forward, fastest runner, didn't get 70% in my maths test and Josh is more likely to pull Clarissa but I'm doing OK.  Other days, I'm like, God your crap, stupid hair, stupid face, dumb as they come and I'll NEVER get a girlfriend.

Mum is driving me crazy too, I know she is really just trying to help but going on and on about stuff I'll never remember once she leaves my room, really!!!  I'm not lazy, I do forget things, but not 'cos I want too, who wants to get a detention, not me.  I know I get mad with her but if she would just not start as soon as I get in or come find me when I'm on the phone, or in the middle of a game, timing, not her strong point!  We used to get on so well, I miss that, wonder if we'll ever get it back?  Sometimes I don't care but mostly I do.

Some days it's like we've both been taken over by aliens, Mum looks at me funny, I get upset, she tells me I'm angry, moody, lazy, thoughtless, never going to get a job, take your pick and then that's it really and it feels as if we can't stand each other.  Even weirder, those are the times when I just want a hug, can't ask for one, can't show it but really need it.  Was interesting in Biology today we were doing about the brain, the teenage brain and the bits I remember most were:

from about 11 years until into my early 20's!!!! my brain is rearranging itself, weird to even think that, something about pruning and cementing parts of it but anyways means some parts are a bit offline

teenage brains aren't good at remembering, planning ahead, or, even understanding the emotions on someones face.  We did a test with some card and pictures of different expressions and not many of us could agree on the same thing, spooky!

Maybe I should tell Mum, she might think its an excuse but the evidence is in my book, well the bits I managed to get down, still she can always Google it.  Maybe there is hope after all as some days I just want to be over as they're just too hard.

I would strongly advise ANY/ALL parents of teenagers to look up how teenage brains develop as you will have a better understanding of your precious child then who still needs your hugs, attention, PATIENCE and help, even though they can't ask for it!!

I can only do what I know

If I don't know that a child is screaming in my face because there fear system has been triggered by a loud bang outside, the smell of my after shave, the look on a face, the date on the calender, the way I approached them, the hand on their arm, the taste of the food I insisted they eat, then I will not know what to do. 

Someone needs to teach me, train me, explain to me what's going on because in that moment I don't like that child they make me feel, angry, afraid, helpless, useless, inadequate and like I need to take control but I know I can't.

So, I scream back, sometimes the scream is in my head, sometimes it comes out of my mouth, I send them out of my sight, go stand in the corridor, get to your room, I cry, I rant, I sit helpless while they scream at me, I take things away to punish them, "no party for you now, you've lost your Xbox for the week, we're not going to Nanny's now, no playtime, no part in the school play, no Golden Time".  It doesn't feel right but they did ask for it, I've told them it would happen.

Children should respect adults, understand that if they behave they will be rewarded, if they don't then there will be a consequence, they'll get punished, they have to learn or what will become of them?

I am only doing what I have been taught to do,it's not OK for a child to scream in your face, they need time out to calm themselves down and so do I.  So much stress they cause, I wish they would just 'get it', I really want to like them but they cause me so much stress and upset everyone.  How can I help them see how they affect others and push them away, are they just an 'angry' child, seen too much, heard too much now they are just reacting to that?  Still, they need to learn that's no way to go through life or they'll end up in trouble.

Nothing I have learnt so far has prepared me to deal with this....................

This Blog is about how parents-birth and adoptive, foster carers, childcare workers, teaching staff and all those who support children who have lived through trauma may feel at some point.  That is why I am putting everything I have into offering training to professionals and a bespoke parenting programme which is all about understanding how the brain is affected by trauma. 

If we are able to learn about this then a child's behaviour makes more sense and the approach I offer will enable adults to work WITH the child where they currently are, and to set about repairing and rewiring the way they see the World and, eventually, the way their brain reacts and responds. 
For more information, www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk  current training with Collette Winters will be in Bristol in September, then we hope to put it on in London next.
http://t.co/t8WEMiNy

The Anxiety of Separation

I was listening yesterday to someone offering advice around 'separation anxiety' for young children and how to address it.  In many respects what was being said sounded sensible but it still made me inwardly scream at my computer.  Why?  Mainly because I have firmly come to the belief that children always do things for a reason and that generally these are reasons which are logical given what life  has taught them thus far.  Children are born wired for survival and to let the main source of comfort and getting their needs met go can seem devastating.

For children who have lived through domestic violence and abuse, or for those going through a family break up, either from a relationship break down, or by being taken into the care system, the thought of being separated from their main carer can be too traumatic.  If a child has had to leave their home, go into a refuge or stay in a strange place, has seen their Dad or Mum leave the family home, or has been removed from their own home and placed with strangers then this will have a profound effect on how they view their World.

Adults often wrongly assume that because a child is now free from the tensions and fears which come from living with any kind of abuse or violence that they will be so relieved and grateful that they will be more able to relax and get on with the important task of being a child.  However, this takes time and one of the most important elements to adjusting post trauma and abuse is the relationship and availability of a the main carer.. 

If we consider that our brains are all about helping us survive and that our behaviour throughout life is dominated by this inbuilt response in a variety of ways to getting our basic needs met.  A baby is already wired pre-birth to tune in its mother, or in their absence, the main carer, as its source of food, comfort, safety and care, if this is not readily available then this will create anxiety around getting basic needs met which will often continue through life.

When a child grows up in a home where things are unpredictable, tense and chaotic they will not experience the reassurance of a regular routine and a readily available carer.  They will experience stress and ongoing anxiety without comfort and containment so that levels will remain high and the child will grow up with few certainties to draw upon in later life.  When it comes time for a child to then be separated from the only person who has been available to them in some capacity, however erratically, they will experience high levels of stress and anxiety but without the ability to understand or regulate these strong physical and psychological reactions.

In my experience extra time and a great deal of patience, support and planning is needed if a child has to be apart from their main carer.  This can be hard for parents/carers and professionals as there are often conversations around the child 'controlling' everyone and being manipulative.  Behaviour may appear like this but given that they may feel that their carer might not be safe with out them, or they might not come back for them or the abuser may find either of them whilst they are apart and take one of them.  If the child had an abrupt departure from their home they may wonder if a social worker will just tum up at school today and take them away from their new foster carer.

There are many complex thoughts and feelings which may run through a child's head just before and at the point of separation and there has been research to show that the stress hormone cortisol, which stimulates the body for fight/flight/freeze, is at a high level during this process and with out someone in the Nursery or school who understands this and tries to help lower it by encouraging self soothing activities and techniques then the child will remain in this uncomfortable physical and mental state for the rest of the day.

Of course, there comes a point where children do have to be separated but as I said it needs careful, gentle handling and is a much longer process requiring investment, patience, compassion and understanding by all parties prior to attempting it.  Seek advice and support whether you are a professional or the child's carer and steer clear of thinking it's just got to be done now as it may have to wait and be done very slowly to build confidence and trust and that takes time.